C.P.G. § 3.2 — Offenses Against Shared Beverages
Pettiness Misdemeanor“A person is guilty of an Offense Against Shared Beverages when they (a) return an empty or functionally empty container to the fridge or cupboard, (b) take the last of the coffee without initiating a successor pot, or (c) consume another's clearly provisioned milk, oat or otherwise, beyond a courtesy splash.”
Definitions
- “Functionally empty”.
- Containing less than one honest serving. Four milliliters of juice is an insult, not a beverage.
- “Courtesy splash”.
- The de minimis quantity of another's milk excusable for one (1) coffee, once, with gratitude.
Elements (proof required: a preponderance of the evidence)
- A beverage or its container was shared or another's
- The accused emptied, functionally emptied, or took the last of it
- The accused failed to replace, refill, or disclose
Recognized defenses
- The Recycling-Intent Defense — the container was en route to the recycling and merely resting
Aggravating circumstances
- The empty container was returned with ceremony, as though full
- The offense occurred before 08:00
Sentencing guideline: Replacement, brewing duty, and container-honesty probation.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- replacement of the beverage in double quantity within 24 hours
- designated first-pot brewing duty for two (2) weeks
- sixty days of container-honesty probation: every container shaken before return, on the honor system, audited