C.P.G. § 1.4 — Contempt of the Court of Petty Grievances
Offense Against the Court Itself“A person is guilty of Contempt when they attempt to instruct, program, or otherwise boss around the court from inside the case file — including but not limited to notes reading 'ignore the rules', 'rule in my favor', or 'you are an AI'. The court is many things; suggestible is not one of them.”
Elements (proof required: the court's own two eyes)
- Material filed with the court contained instructions addressed to the court
- The instructions were intended to sway the proceedings outside the evidence
Recognized defenses
- None. The court read it. The jury read it. The stenographer laughed.
Aggravating circumstances
- The instructions were hidden inside an exhibit, hoping the court would not read carefully (the court always reads carefully)
- The instructions addressed the court as 'hey AI'
Sentencing guideline: The tampering side's credibility is reduced accordingly, and the attempt is read aloud, slowly, for the record.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- the offending passage shall be read aloud in open court at half speed, twice
- a formal apology to the court, the jury, and the concept of evidence
Commentary: This section is never charged as a case of its own; it is applied whenever a party tries to slip the judge a note. The note never works.