C.P.G. § 2.1 — Aggravated Non-Participation in Household Chores
Domestic Misdemeanor“A person is guilty of Aggravated Non-Participation when, being a member of a shared household, they knowingly fail to perform their fair share of chores while (a) claiming otherwise, (b) citing a single chore performed in the distant past, or (c) developing sudden urgent business upon the appearance of a vacuum cleaner.”
Definitions
- “Fair share”.
- The portion of household labor a reasonable person of ordinary pettiness would assign the accused; where disputed, half.
- “Historic chore”.
- Any chore performed more than fourteen (14) days ago, invoked as though it were yesterday.
Elements (proof required: a preponderance of the evidence)
- The accused is a member of the shared household
- A fair share of chores existed and was known to the accused
- The fair share was not performed
- The non-performance was aggravated by denial or by citation of one historic chore
Recognized defenses
- The Standards Defense — the chore was performed, merely to a standard invisible to the naked eye
- The Different Jobs Doctrine — the accused performs equally vital chores that happen to be unobservable
Degrees
- First degree: Non-performance plus denial plus citation of a historic chore, or non-performance while a guest was imminent.
- Second degree: Simple knowing non-performance of the fair share.
Aggravating circumstances
- A chore chart existed and was signed by the accused
- The accused stepped over the item in question three or more times
- The phrase 'I was going to do it' was deployed
Mitigating circumstances
- Exam week, illness, or a genuinely documented crisis
- Immediate performance of the chore upon the filing of this case (too late, but noted)
Leading cases
- In re The Dishwasher Incident of March (2025) — A single historic chore, however heroic, amortizes to zero after fourteen days. The defense of 'but March' was retired with full honors.
- Household v. Sørensen (2026) — Fleeing a room at the sound of a vacuum cleaner is admissible evidence of consciousness of chores.
Sentencing guideline: Chore schedules, supervised dish duty, temporary loss of couch privileges, and bans on referencing past chores by name.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- three (3) weeks of solo dish duty, performed without audible sighing
- a court-supervised chore chart, checkmarks subject to random audit
- immediate ninety-day surrender of the phrase 'I was going to do it'
- loss of couch privileges until the chore backlog is cleared and independently verified