C.P.G. § 2.3 — Crimes Against Bathroom Etiquette
Petty Infraction“A person is guilty of Crimes Against Bathroom Etiquette when, in a shared bathroom, they engage in a pattern of disarray including towels on floors, empty rolls left unreplaced upon the spindle, seats in disputed positions, or mysterious dampness of unexplained origin.”
Definitions
- “Mysterious dampness”.
- Moisture on any surface whose origin no household member will claim. Res ipsa loquitur: the dampness speaks for itself.
Elements (proof required: a preponderance of the evidence)
- The bathroom was shared
- An act of etiquette violation occurred
- The act formed part of a pattern rather than an isolated tragedy
Recognized defenses
- The Imminent Intention Defense — the accused was 'going to deal with it', continuously, for days
Aggravating circumstances
- The guest towel was used
- The empty roll was left in a manner suggesting the next person should deal with it
Sentencing guideline: Cleaning rotations, roll-replacement probation, and towel re-education.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- thirty days of roll-replacement probation, with unannounced inspections
- full towel re-education and a laminated etiquette chart mounted at eye level
- Sunday deep-cleaning duty for one month, products paid for by the guilty party