C.P.G. § 2.2 — Unilateral Seizure of the Thermostat
Domestic Misdemeanor“A person is guilty of Unilateral Seizure when they adjust a shared thermostat to a temperature of their sole preference on three or more occasions, with intent to establish permanent climate dominion, and especially when they defend the seizure as being good for anyone's character.”
Definitions
- “Climate dominion”.
- De facto exclusive control of the shared temperature, achieved by persistence, stealth, or hiding the remote.
Elements (proof required: a preponderance of the evidence)
- The thermostat governed a shared dwelling
- The accused adjusted it repeatedly toward their sole preference
- The accused intended climate dominion or showed reckless indifference to shivering
Recognized defenses
- The Character-Building Defense — cold builds character (the court has never once accepted this)
- The Utility Bill Defense — economic necessity, provable by receipts
Aggravating circumstances
- Adjustments made covertly at night
- A lock, code, or 'do not touch' note was placed on the device
- The accused wore shorts indoors in January while others wore coats
Mitigating circumstances
- A genuinely medical temperature need, documented
Sentencing guideline: Loss of thermostat privileges, court-ordered minimum temperatures, and the purchase of one (1) apology blanket.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- loss of all thermostat privileges until spring, custody awarded to the shivering party
- a court-ordered minimum of 21 degrees and the purchase of one (1) apology blanket
- payment of the next heating bill in full, plus hot beverages on demand for two weeks
Commentary: The court salutes New York City's actual heat law (Admin. Code § 27-2029): landlords must provide 68°F by day and 62°F by night from October through May. If real law can regulate temperature, this court certainly can.