C.P.G. § 5.4 — Weaponized Fine (Aggravated Passive Aggression)
Matter of the Heart“A person is guilty of Weaponized Fine when they deploy the word 'fine' as a complete sentence, sustain a campaign of one-word answers, audible sighs, or cabinet doors closed with meaning, while denying upon inquiry that anything is wrong.”
Definitions
- “Cabinet doors closed with meaning”.
- Force in excess of latching requirements, applied for the audience.
Elements (proof required: clear and convincing evidence)
- A grievance existed and was known to the accused
- The accused communicated it exclusively through tone, sighs, or the word 'fine'
- Upon direct inquiry, the accused denied that anything was wrong
Recognized defenses
- The Genuine Fine Defense — everything actually was fine, corroborated by contemporaneous evidence of fineness
Aggravating circumstances
- The campaign exceeded seventy-two (72) hours
- The phrase 'I'm not mad' was deployed while visibly mad
Sentencing guideline: Mandatory use of words, structured airing of the actual grievance, and sigh rationing.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- one structured conversation in which the actual grievance is stated in complete sentences, moderated if necessary
- a sigh ration of three (3) audible sighs per day for two weeks, excess sighs taxable in compliments
- a standing order to replace 'fine' with the actual feeling, effective immediately