C.P.G. § 4.4 — Custodial Misconduct Regarding a Beloved Animal
Domestic Misdemeanor“A person is guilty of Custodial Misconduct when they claim disproportionate affection, custody, or credit regarding an animal jointly loved, including the covert use of treats to bias the animal's preferences, or referring to the animal as 'my' dog in mixed company.”
Elements (proof required: a preponderance of the evidence)
- The animal was jointly loved or jointly acquired
- The accused claimed disproportionate custody, affection, or credit
- Treat-based manipulation or possessive pronoun deployment occurred
Recognized defenses
- The Dog Chose Me Defense — admissible only with the animal's sworn testimony
Aggravating circumstances
- The animal was covertly renamed
- The accused taught the animal a trick and debuted it publicly as a surprise
Sentencing guideline: Shared walk schedules, treat parity audits, and equal appearance rights in the animal's social media.
Sentences this court has been known to hand down
- a court-certified shared walk schedule with quarterly treat-parity audits
- equal appearance rights in all photographs of the animal, effective immediately
- surrender of the title 'favorite parent' pending the animal's further testimony
Commentary: Real divorce courts in some jurisdictions now weigh the best interests of a companion animal. This court has always done so, and the animal is welcome to testify.